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Topics - Quasar

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Humor is the best Medicine / How old are you mommy ?
« on: May 29, 2006, 10:53:13 AM »
A mother is driving a little girl to her friend's house for a play
"Mommy," the little girl asks, "how old are you?"
"Honey, you are not supposed to ask a lady her age," the mother
Replied. "It's not polite."
"OK", the little girl says,
"How much do you weigh?"
"Now really," the mother says," those are personal questions and are really
None of your business.
"Undaunted, the little girl asks, "Why did you and Daddy get a divorce?"
"That is enough questions, young lady, honestly!"
The exasperated mother walks away as the two friends begin to play.
"My Mom won't tell me anything about her," the little girl says to her
"Well," says the friend, "all you need to do is look at her drivers
License. It is like a report card, it has everything on it.
"Later that night the little girl says to her mother, "I know how old you
Are, you are 32.
"The mother is surprised and asks, "How did you find that out?
"I also know that you weigh 140 pounds." The mother is past surprised and
Shocked now.
"How in heaven's name did you find that out?"
"And," the little girl says triumphantly, "I know why you and daddy got a
"Oh really?" the mother asks.
  "Because you got an F in sex."  :laughhard

Humor is the best Medicine / A true story
« on: May 29, 2006, 07:17:37 AM »
:lol:   Police response to a burglary

George Phillips of Meridian, Mississippi was going up to bed when his wife
told him that he'd
left the light on in the garden shed, which she could see from the bedroom

George opened the back door to go turn off the light but saw that there
were people in the shed
stealing things..

He phoned the police, who asked "Are any of those people in your house" and
he said no.

They said that all patrols were busy,  and that he should simply stay in
his house, lock his doors
and an officer  would be along when available.

George said, "Okay," hung up ......counted to 30.........and phoned the
police again.

"Hello, I just called you few seconds ago because there were people in my

" Well, you don't have to worry about them now cause I've just shot them

Then he hung up.   Within five minutes three police cars, an Armed Response
unit, and an
ambulance showed up at the Phillips residence.

Of course, the police caught the burglars red-handed.

One of the Policemen said to George: "I thought you said that you'd shot

George said, "I thought you said there was nobody available!"

Humor is the best Medicine / Letter to the IRS
« on: January 21, 2006, 10:17:18 AM »
Dear Internal Revenue Service:

Enclosed you will find my 2005 tax return showing that I owe $3,407.00 in
taxes. Please note the attached article from the USA Today newspaper, dated
12 November, wherein you will see the Pentagon (Department of Defense) is
paying $171.50 per hammer and NASA has paid $600.00 per toilet seat.

I am enclosing four (4) toilet seats (valued @ $2,400) and six (6) hammers
valued @ $1,029), which I secured at Home Depot, bringing my total
remittance to $3,429.00. Please apply the overpayment of $22.00 to the
"Presidential Election Fund," as noted on my return. You can do this
inexpensively by sending them one (1) 1.5" Phillips Head screw (see
aforementioned article from USA Today newspaper detailing how H.U.D. pays
$22.00 each for 1.5" Phillips Head Screws). One screw is enclosed for your

It has been a pleasure to pay my tax bill this year, and I look forward to
paying it again next year.


A Satisfied Taxpayer


Humor is the best Medicine / Brain Cramps -
« on: January 09, 2006, 10:36:07 PM »
BRAIN CRAMPS  :snicker:

(On  September 17, 1994, Alabama's Heather Whitestone was selected as Miss  America 1995.)
Question:  If you could live forever, would you and why?

Answer:  "I would not live forever, because we should not
live forever, because  if we were supposed to live forever,
then we would live forever, but  we cannot live forever
which is why I would not live  forever,"

--Miss Alabama in the 1994 Miss  USA  contest.


"Whenever  I watch TV and see those poor starving kids
all over the world, I  can't help but cry. I mean I'd love
to be skinny like that, but not  with all those flies and
death and  stuff."                                  
--Mariah  Carey



"Smoking  kills. If you're killed, you've lost a very
important part of your  life,"
--Brooke  Shields, during an interview to become
Spokesperson for federal  anti-smoking campaign.



"I've  never had major knee surgery on any other part
of my  body,"    
--Winston  Bennett,  
   University  of Kentucky  basketball forward.



"Outside  of the killings, Washington  has one of the
lowest crime rates in the country,"
--Mayor  Marion  Barry,  Washington,  DC.



"I'm  not going to have some reporters pawing through
our papers. We are the  president."
--Hillary  Clinton  commenting on the release of
   subpoenaed  documents.


"That  lowdown scoundrel deserves to be kicked to death
by a jackass, and I'm  just the one to do it,"
--A  congressional candidate in Texas.


"Half  this game is ninety percent mental."
--Philadelphia  Phillies manager, Danny  Ozark


"It  isn't pollution that 's harming the environment. It's
the impurities in  our air and water that are doing it."
--Al  Gore,  Vice President
   And .
"We  are ready for an unforeseen event that
may or may not  occur."
--Al  Gore,  VP  


"I  love California.  I practically grew up in Phoenix."
--Dan  Quayle




"We've  got to pause and ask ourselves: How much
clean air do we need?"  
--Lee  Iacocca



"The  word "genius" isn't applicable in football. A
genius is a guy like  Norman  Einstein."  -
--Joe  Theisman,  NFL football quarterback & sports analyst.




"We  don't necessarily discriminate. We simply exclude
certain types of  people."
--Colonel  Gerld  Wellman,  ROTC  Instrutor.




"If  we don't succeed, we run the risk of failure."  
--Bill  Clinton,  President



"Traditionally,  most of Australia's  imports come
from overseas."
--Keppel  Enderbery


"Your  food stamps will be stopped effective
March 1992 because we received  notice that
you passed away. May God bless you. You may
reapply if  there is a change in your circumstances."
--Department  of Social Services, Greenville,  South Carolina



"If  somebody has a bad heart, they can plug this jack in
at night as they  go to bed and it will monitor their heart
throughout the night. And  the next morning, when
the wake up dead, there'll be a  record."
--Mark  S.  Fowler,  FCC Chairman

Humor is the best Medicine / 75 year old job applicant -
« on: December 07, 2005, 10:17:52 PM »
This is an actual job application that a 75 year old senior citizen submitted to Walmart in Arkansas.

They hired him because he was so funny.....

>>>NAME: George Martin

SEX: Not lately, but I am looking for the right woman (or at least one who will cooperate)

DESIRED POSITION:  Company's President or Vice President.  But seriously, whatever's available.   If I was in a position to be picky, I wouldn't be applying here in the first place ?

DESIRED SALARY:  $185,000 a year plus stock options and a Michael Ovitz style severance package.  If that's not possible, make an offer and we can haggle.


         Target for middle management hostility.

PREVIOUS SALARY:  A lot less than I'm worth.

MOST NOTABLE ACHIEVEMENT:  My incredible collection of stolen pens and post-it notes.



PREFERRED HOURS:  1:30-3:30 p.m.
               Monday, Tuesday, and Thursday.

DO YOU HAVE ANY SPECIAL SKILLS?:  Yes, but they're better suited to a more intimate environment.

If I had one, would I be here?


DO YOU HAVE A CAR?: I think the more appropriate question here would be "Do you have a car that runs?"

HAVE YOU RECEIVED ANY SPECIAL AWARDS OR RECOGNITION?:  I may already be a winner of the Publishers Clearing House Sweepstakes, so they tell me.

DO YOU SMOKE?:  On the job - no!  
                                    On my breaks - yes!

WHAT WOULD YOU LIKE TO BE DOING IN FIVE YEARS?: Living in the Bahamas with a fabulously wealthy dumb sexy blonde supermodel who thinks I'm the greatest thing since sliced bread.  
Actually, I'd like to be doing that now.


KNOWLEDGE?:  Oh yes, absolutely.<<<   :laughhard

    ***Old People Rock!***

In His love,


Humor is the best Medicine / Don`t Step On The Ducks
« on: December 06, 2005, 10:18:26 PM »
Don`t Step On The Ducks
Three women die together in an accident and go to heaven.When they get there, St. Peter says, "We only have one rule here in heaven: don't step on the ducks!"
So they enter heaven, and sure enough, there are ducks all over the place. It is almost impossible not to step on a duck, and although they try their best to avoid them, the first woman accidentally steps on one.
Along comes St. Peter with the ugliest man she ever saw.St. Peter chains them together and says, "Your punishment for stepping on a duck is to spend eternity chained to this ugly man!"
The next day, the second woman steps accidentally on a duck and along comes St. Peter, who doesn't miss a thing. With him is another extremely ugly man. He chains them together with the same admonishment as for the first woman.

The third woman has observed all this and, not wanting to be chained for all eternity to an ugly man, is very, VERY careful where she steps.
She manages to go months without stepping on any ducks, but one day St. Peter comes up to her with the most handsome man she has ever laid eyes on . very tall, long eyelashes, muscular, and thin.
St. Peter chains them together without saying a word.The happy woman says, "I wonder what I did to deserve being chained to you for all of eternity?"
The guy says, "I don't know about you, but I stepped on a duck!"


Humor is the best Medicine / Institution Qualification -
« on: October 25, 2005, 10:15:08 PM »
this one should tickle your funny bone!

During a visit to the mental asylum, a visitor asked the Director what the criterion was which defined whether or not a patient should be institutionalized.
"Well," said the Director, "we fill up a bathtub, then we offer a teaspoon, a teacup and a bucket to the patient and ask him or her to empty the bathtub."
"Oh, I understand," said the visitor. "A normal person would use the bucket because it's bigger than the spoon or the teacup."
"Actually," said the Director, "A normal person would just pull the plug."
"So tell me, do you want a room an East view or a West view?"
In His love,


Humor is the best Medicine / The Pecan Tree in the Cemetary -
« on: October 23, 2005, 09:59:54 AM »
Here's one I thought you would all enjoy!   :scared:

On the outskirts of a small town, there was a big, old pecan

tree just inside the cemetery fence. One day, two boys filled

up a bucketful of nuts and sat down by the tree, out of sight,

and began dividing the nuts.

"One for you, one for me. One for you, one for me," said one

boy. Several dropped and rolled down toward the fence.

Another boy came riding along the road on his bicycle. As he

passed, he thought he heard voices from inside the cemetery.

He slowed down to investigate. Sure enough, he heard,

"One for you, one for me. One for you, one for me."

He just knew what it was. He jumped back on his bike and rode

off. Just around the bend he met an old man with a cane, hobbling


"Come here quick," said the boy, "you won't believe what I

heard! Satan and the Lord are down at the cemetery dividing up

the souls."

The man said, "Beat it kid, can't you see it's hard for me to

walk." When the boy insisted though, the man hobbled to the

cemetery. Standing by the fence they heard, "One for you, one

for me. One for you, one for me..."

The old man whispered, "Boy, you've been tellin' the truth.

Let's see if we can see the Lord." Shaking with fear, they

peered through the fence, yet were still unable to see anything.

The old man and the boy gripped the wrought iron bars of the

fence tighter and tighter as they tried to get a glimpse of the


At last they heard, "One for you, one for me. That's all.

Now let's go get those nuts by the fence and we'll be done."

They say the old man made it back to town a full 5 minutes ahead

of the boy on the bike.


In His Love,


Humor is the best Medicine / The Naughty Parrot -
« on: October 21, 2005, 11:16:35 PM »
Hi guys -

How about this one for a good laugh!

David received a parrot for his birthday. This parrot was fully grown with a bad attitude and worse vocabulary. Every other word was an expletive. Those that weren't expletives were, to say the least, rude.
David tried hard to change the bird's attitude and was constantly saying polite words, playing soft music, and anything else that came to mind. Nothing worked. He yelled at the bird and the bird got worse. He shook the bird and the bird got madder and ruder.

Finally, in a moment of desperation, David put the parrot in the freezer. For a few moments he heard the bird squawking, kicking and screaming and then, suddenly, all was quiet.

David, frightened that he might have actually hurt the bird, quickly opened the freezer door. The parrot calmly stepped out onto David's extended arm and said, "I'm sorry that I offended you with my language and actions. I ask for your forgiveness."

David was astounded at the bird's change in attitude and was about to ask what changed him when the parrot continued,

"May I ask what the chicken did?"


Pages: 1 ... 16 17 [18]




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me again

October 09, 2014, 02:15:06 PM
Religious Lie: "God only paid for sins until the next time you sin."
Forgiveness is available until we get to eternity and then our eternal fate is sealed. Right now, people are free to sin and repent; but there is no forgiveness of sin for the damned in hell.


October 05, 2014, 10:24:53 AM
"If it is hard for the righteous to be saved, what will become of the ungodly and the sinner?"


May 03, 2014, 01:12:35 PM
Lots of visitors..  easy to join,  easy to post...  come make some friends..  Play nice with others.

The Crusader

February 26, 2014, 04:30:18 PM
Religious Lie: "God only paid for sins until the next time you sin."

The Crusader

December 23, 2013, 09:38:53 AM
JUST A THINK ABOUT IT: Will you embrace the full meaning of Christmas? Jesus didn't die just so you could go to heaven. He came to give you life - His life; an abundant life free from guilt, condemnation, and slavery to both sins and religion. He came to bring a grace revolution to the world and tha

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