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Author Topic: My FAVORITE Jokes  (Read 15796 times)

Offline The Crusader

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My FAVORITE Jokes
« on: August 23, 2004, 05:46:06 AM »
Baptist/Catholic





John Smith was the only Protestant to move into a large Catholic neighborhood. On the first Friday of Lent, John was outside grilling a big juicy steak on his grill.  Meanwhile, all of his neighbors were eating cold tuna fish for supper This went on each Friday of Lent. On the last Friday of Lent, the neighborhood men got together and decided that something had to be done about John, he was tempting them to eat meat each Friday of Lent, and they couldn't take it anymore. They decided to try and convert John to be a Catholic. They went over and talked to him and were so happy that he decided to join all of his neighbors and become a Catholic.

They took him to Church, and the Priest sprinkled some water over him, and said, "You were born a Baptist, you were raised a Baptist, and now you are a Catholic."

The men were so relieved, now their biggest Lenten temptation was resolved.

The next year's Lenten season rolled around. The first Friday of Lent came, and just at supper time, when the neighborhood was setting down to their tuna fish dinner, came the wafting smell of steak cooking on a grill. The
neighborhood men could not believe their noses!  WHAT WAS GOING ON?

They called each other up and decided to meet over in John's yard to see if he had forgotten it was the first Friday of Lent. The group arrived just in time to see John standing over his grill with a small pitcher of water. He was sprinkling some water over his steak on the grill, saying,  "You were
born a cow, you were raised a cow, and now you are a fish."

<:)))><
"...to make all men see"(Ephesians 3:9)

We don't change God's message -- His message changes us.

Offline The Crusader

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A nun was going to Chicago....
« Reply #1 on: August 23, 2004, 05:48:20 AM »
A nun was going to Chicago. She went to the airport and sat down waiting for her flight. She looked over in the corner and saw one of those weight machines that tells your weight and fortune.

So, she thought to herself, "I'll give it a try just to see what it tells me."

She went over to the machine and put her nickel in and out came a card that said, "You're a nun and weigh 128 lb., and you are going to Chicago, Illinois."

She sat back down and thought about it. She told herself it probably tells everyone the same thing, but decided to try it again.

She went back to the machine and put her nickel in. Out came a card that read, "You're a nun, weigh 128 lb., you're going to Chicago, Illinois and you are going to play a fiddle."

The nun said to herself, "I know that's wrong, I have never played a musical instrument in my life."

She sat back down. From nowhere a cowboy came over and set his fiddle case down next to her. She picked it up and just started playing beautiful music.

Startled she looked back at the machine and said, "This is incredible. I've got to try it again."

Back to the machine, she put her nickel in and another card came out. It said, "You're a nun, you weigh 128 lb., you're going to Chicago, Illinois and you're going to break wind."

Now, the nun knows the machine is wrong. "I've never broke wind in public a day in my life."

Well, she tripped getting off the scale and broke wind.

Stunned she sat back down and looked at the machine. She said to herself, "This is truly unbelievable! I've got to try it again."

She went back to the machine, put her nickel in and collected the card.

It said, "You're a nun, you weigh 128 lb., you have fiddled and farted around and missed your plane to Chicago."  

<:)))><
"...to make all men see"(Ephesians 3:9)

We don't change God's message -- His message changes us.

Offline The Crusader

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A Nun's Kiss
« Reply #2 on: August 23, 2004, 05:49:49 AM »
A Nun's Kiss

A cabbie picks up a nun. She gets into the cab, and the cab driver won't stop staring at her. She asks him why is he staring and he replies, "I have a question to ask you but I don't want to offend you." She answers, "My dear son, you cannot offend me. When you're as old as Iam and have been a nun as long as I have, you get a chance to see and hear just about everything. I'm sure that there's nothing you could say or ask that I would find offensive." "Well, I've always had a fantasy to have a nun kiss me." She responds, "Well, let's see what we can do about that: #1, you have to be single and #2 you must be Catholic." The cab driver is very excited and says, "Yes, I am single and I'm Catholic too! "OK" the nun says "Pull into the next alley"

He does and the nun fulfills his fantasy with a kiss that would make a hooker blush. But when they get back on the road, the cab driver starts crying.

"My dear child, said the nun, why are you crying?" "Forgive me sister, but I have sinned. I lied, I must confess, I'm married and I'm Jewish." The nun says, "That's OK, my name is Kevin and I'm on my way to a Halloween party."  

<:)))><
"...to make all men see"(Ephesians 3:9)

We don't change God's message -- His message changes us.

Offline The Crusader

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A Christian Puppy
« Reply #3 on: August 23, 2004, 05:51:21 AM »
A Christian Puppy

A Baptist couple decide that they want to get a dog. As they are walking down the street in town, they notice that a sign in the pet shop is advertising "Christian Puppies." Their interest piqued, they go inside.

"How do you know they're Christian puppies?"

"Watch," says the owner, as he takes one of the dogs and says, "Fetch the Bible." The dog runs over to the desk, and grabs the Bible in its mouth and returns. Putting the Bible on the floor, the owner says, "Find Psalm 23." The dog flips pages with its paw until he reaches the right page, and then stops. Amazed and delighted, the couple purchase the dog and head home.

That evening, they invite some friends over and show them the dog, having him run through his Psalm 23 routine. Impressed, one of the visitors asks "Does he also know 'regular' commands?"

"Gee, we don't know. We didn't ask," replies the husband.

Turning to the dog, he says, "Sit." The dog sits. He says, "Lie down." The dog lies down. He says "Roll over." The dog rolls over.

He says "Heel." The dog runs over to him, jumps up on the sofa, puts both paws on the owner's forehead and bows his head.

"Oh look!" the wife exclaims. "He's PENTECOSTAL!"  
"...to make all men see"(Ephesians 3:9)

We don't change God's message -- His message changes us.

Offline The Crusader

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"My wife got me to believe in the religion."
« Reply #4 on: August 23, 2004, 05:53:08 AM »
Moe: "My wife got me to believe in the religion."

Joe: "Really?"

Moe: "Yeah. Until I married her I didn't believe in hell."


<:)))><
"...to make all men see"(Ephesians 3:9)

We don't change God's message -- His message changes us.

Offline The Crusader

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"Jesus is watching you."
« Reply #5 on: August 23, 2004, 05:55:44 AM »
A burglar broke into a house one night. He shined his flashlight around, looking for valuables, and when he picked up a CD player to place in his sack, a strange, disembodied voice echoed from the dark saying, "Jesus is watching you."

He nearly jumped out of his skin, clicked his flashlight out, and froze. When he heard nothing more after a bit, he shook his head, promised himself a vacation after the next big score, then clicked the light on and began searching for more valuables.

Just as he pulled the stereo out so he could disconnect the wires, clear as a bell he heard, "Jesus is watching you." Freaked out, he shone his light around frantically, looking for the source of the voice. Finally, in the corner of the room, his flashlight beam came to rest on a parrot.

"Did you say that?" He hissed at the parrot.

"Yep," the parrot confessed, then squawked, "I'm just trying to warn you."

The burglar relaxed. "Warn me, huh? Who in the world are you?"

"Moses," replied the bird.

"Moses?" the burglar laughed. "What kind of people would name a bird Moses."

"The kind of people that would name a rottweiler Jesus."
"...to make all men see"(Ephesians 3:9)

We don't change God's message -- His message changes us.

Offline The Crusader

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A baptist pastor was preaching...
« Reply #6 on: August 23, 2004, 05:57:35 AM »
A baptist pastor was preaching an impassioned sermon on the evils of television.

"It steals away precious time that could be better spent on other things," he said.

He advised the congregation to do what he and his family had done.

"We put our TV away in the closet."

"That's right," his wife mumbled, "and it gets awfully crowded in there."
"...to make all men see"(Ephesians 3:9)

We don't change God's message -- His message changes us.

Offline The Crusader

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This PENTECOSTAL rich person was...
« Reply #7 on: August 23, 2004, 05:59:39 AM »
This PENTECOSTAL rich person was very faithful about going to church.

His time came about, and he passed on to heaven. Met at the Pearly Gate by St. Peter, he was made to wait. The inquiring mind wanted to know, "Why must I wait, I was faithful about going to church. I was an important person on earth."

St. Peter said, "We are readying your residence."

Off in the distance as far as the eye could see was fabulous mansion after fabulous mansion. St. Peter finally led the person in and started walking past all the beautiful homes, each one more beautiful that the last. Turning a corner, St. Peter said, "This one is yours."

The newcomer asked, "But this is a dilapidated shack. Why do I get this?"

St. Peter replied, "Although you did get rich, this was the best we could do with the money YOU bequeathed us."

<:)))><
"...to make all men see"(Ephesians 3:9)

We don't change God's message -- His message changes us.

Offline The Crusader

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Nuns & Baseball
« Reply #8 on: August 23, 2004, 06:09:47 AM »
Nuns & Baseball


Sitting behind a couple of nuns at a baseball game (with their habits partially blocking the view ), three men decided to badger the nuns in an effort to get them to move. In a very loud voice, the first guy said, "I think I'm going to move to Utah, there are only 100 nuns living there." The second guy spoke up and said, "I want to go to Montana, there are only 50 nuns living there."The third guy said,"I want to go to Idaho, there are only 25 nuns living there." One of the nuns turned around, looked at the men, and in a very sweet calm voice said, "Why don't you go to Hell...... there aren't any Nuns living there."  

<:)))><
"...to make all men see"(Ephesians 3:9)

We don't change God's message -- His message changes us.

Offline The Crusader

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The Bible Salesman
« Reply #9 on: August 23, 2004, 06:12:03 AM »
The Bible Salesman

A man came into a shop with a 'Salesman Wanted' sign in a window.

He went up to the owner and said, "I-I-I w-w-waannn-t the j-joooob-b."

"I don't know if this job would suit you because of your speaking impediment," said the owner.

"I h-h-havvve a w-wi-wiiiife and s-s-s-six k-kkkids, iiii-I re-really neeeed thi-thi-this j-j-job!" said the man.

"O.K. Here are three Bibles. Go out and sell them." said the owner.

So the man went out and came back an hour later.

"H-here-sss your m-m-money." said the man.

The owner was impressed, so he gave the man a dozen more Bibles and sent him out.

The man came back in two hours and said, "Her-ers y-yooour m-m-money."

The owner said, "This is fantastic. You sold more Bibles in three hours than anyone has sold in a week. Tell me, what do you say to the people when they come to the door?"

"W-welllll," said the man, "I r-r-ring the d-door bell, a-a-and s-s-say 'H-Hel-Hello, M-m-maaaaddam, d-d-do you w-w- want t-t-t-to buy thi-thi-this B-B-Bible, oooor d-d-do y-you w-w-want m'me t-toooo read it t-t-t-t-to you?"

<:)))><
"...to make all men see"(Ephesians 3:9)

We don't change God's message -- His message changes us.

Offline The Crusader

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Prayer
« Reply #10 on: August 23, 2004, 06:15:19 AM »
Little Logan and his family were having Sunday dinner at his
Grandmother's house.
Everyone was seated around the table as the food was being served.
When little Logan received his plate, he started eating right away.
"Logan, wait until we say our prayer," his mother reminded him.
"I don't have to," the little boy replied.
"Of course you do," his mother insisted, "we say a prayer before eating at our house."
"That's at our house," Logan explained, "but this is Grandma's house and she knows how to cook.

<:)))><
"...to make all men see"(Ephesians 3:9)

We don't change God's message -- His message changes us.

Offline The Crusader

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I Come Quickly
« Reply #11 on: August 24, 2004, 05:06:52 AM »
I Come Quickly  

With sermon preparations and anxiety, the new preacher had gotten very little sleep the week before he was to address his flock for the first time; so by Sunday morning, he was both exhausted and extremely nervous. Nevertheless, he managed to make it up the few steps onto the platform and into the pulpit. However, he had barely begun his presentation when everything he had planned to say flew right out of his mind. In fact, his mind went totally blank. Then he remembered that in seminary they had taught him what to do if a situation like this ever arose:

"Repeat your last point, and let it remind you of what's coming next."
Figuring this advice couldn't hurt, he recalled the very last thing he'd said, and repeated it:

"Behold," he quoted, "I come quickly." Still his mind was blank. He thought he'd better try it again: "Behold, I come quickly." Still nothing.

He tried it one more time - but in his panic, he pronounced the words with such force that he lost his balance, fell forward, knocked the pulpit to one side, tripped over a flower arrangement, and fell into the lap of a little old lady in the front row. Flustered and embarrassed, he picked himself up, apologized profusely, and started to explain what had just happened.

"That's all right, young man," said the little old lady kindly. "It
was my fault, really. You told me three times you were on your way down here. I should have just gotten out of your way!"

<:)))><
"...to make all men see"(Ephesians 3:9)

We don't change God's message -- His message changes us.

Offline The Crusader

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The new Pastor...
« Reply #12 on: August 25, 2004, 04:01:35 AM »
The new pastor was visiting the homes of his parishioners. At one house it  seemed obvious that someone was at home, but no answer came to his repeated  knocks at the door. He took out a card, wrote "Revelation 3:20" on the back  and stuck it in the door.
When the offering was processed the following Sunday, he found that his  card had been returned. Added to it was this cryptic message, "Genesis  3:10." Reaching for his Bible to check out the citation, he broke up in gales of laughter.
Revelation 3:20 begins "Behold, I stand at the door and knock."
Genesis 3:10 reads, "I heard your voice in the garden and I was afraid for  I was naked."

<:)))><





Remember when the funniest jokes were the clean ones? They still are!
"...to make all men see"(Ephesians 3:9)

We don't change God's message -- His message changes us.

Offline The Crusader

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A Priest and a Rabbi ...
« Reply #13 on: August 27, 2004, 04:07:55 AM »
A Priest and a Rabbi are sitting next to each other on an airplane.

After a while, the Priest turns to the Rabbi and asks, "Is it still
a requirement of your faith that you not eat pork?"

The Rabbi responds, "Yes, that is still one of our beliefs."

The Priest then asks, "Have you ever eaten pork?"

To which the Rabbi replies, "Yes, on one occasion I did succumb to temptation and tasted a ham sandwich."

The Priest nodded in understanding and went on with his reading.

A while later, the Rabbi spoke up and asked the Priest, "Father, is it still a requirement of your church that you remain celibate?"

The Priest replied, "Yes, that is still very much a part of our
faith."

The Rabbi then asked him, "Father, have you ever fallen to the temptations of the flesh?"

The Priest replied, "Yes, Rabbi, on one occasion I was weak and broke with my faith."

The Rabbi nodded understandingly. He was silent for about five minutes and then said, "Beats the heckl out of a ham sandwich, doesn't it?"    

 :snicker:

<:)))><
"...to make all men see"(Ephesians 3:9)

We don't change God's message -- His message changes us.

Offline The Crusader

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My FAVORITE Jokes
« Reply #14 on: August 29, 2004, 12:34:06 PM »
Three churches - Baptist, Methodist, and Presbyterian - worked together to sponsor a community-wide revival. After the revival had concluded, the three pastors were discussing the results with one another. The Methodist minister said, "The revival worked out great for us! We gained 4 new families." The Baptist preacher said, "We did better than that! We gained 6 new families." The Presbyterian pastor said, "Well, we did even better than that! We got rid of our 10 biggest trouble makers!"  :snicker:
"...to make all men see"(Ephesians 3:9)

We don't change God's message -- His message changes us.

 

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