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Author Topic: My FAVORITE Jokes  (Read 15802 times)

Offline The Crusader

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Ketchup
« Reply #30 on: September 01, 2004, 04:13:45 AM »
KETCHUP

A woman was trying hard to get the ketchup to
come out of the bottle.  During her struggle the
phone rang so she asked her 4-year-old daughter
to answer the phone. "It's the minister, Mommy,"
the child said to her mother..........Then she added,
"Mommy can't come to the phone to talk to you
right now.  She's hitting the bottle."  
 :snicker:
"...to make all men see"(Ephesians 3:9)

We don't change God's message -- His message changes us.

Offline The Crusader

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Bible
« Reply #31 on: September 01, 2004, 04:15:03 AM »
BIBLE

A little boy opened the big family bible. He was
fascinated as he fingered through the old pages.
Suddenly, something fell out of the Bible. He
picked up the object and looked at it.  What he
saw was an old leaf that had been pressed in
between the pages. "Mama, look what I found",
the boy called out.

" What have you got there, dear?"  

With astonishment in the young boy's voice,
he answered, "I think it's Adam's underwear
!"  :snicker:
"...to make all men see"(Ephesians 3:9)

We don't change God's message -- His message changes us.

Offline The Crusader

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God is Like...
« Reply #32 on: September 01, 2004, 04:17:29 AM »
God is Like...

A fifth grade teacher in a Christian school asked her class to look at TV commercials and see if they could use them in some way to communicate ideas about God. Here are some of the results:

BAYER ASPIRIN
He works miracles.

a FORD
He's got a better idea.

COKE
He's the real thing.

HALLMARK CARDS
He cares enough to send His very best.

TIDE
He gets the stains out that others leave behind.

GENERAL ELECTRIC
He brings good things to life.

SEARS
He has everything.

ALKA-SELTZER
Try Him, you'll like Him.

SCOTCH TAPE
You can't see him, but you know He's there.

DELTA
He's ready when you are.

ALLSTATE
You're in good hands with Him.

VO-5 Hair Spray
He holds through all kinds of weather.

DIAL SOAP
Aren't you glad you have Him?
Don't you wish everybody did?

the U.S. POST OFFICE
Neither rain, nor snow, nor sleet, nor ice will keep Him from His appointed destination.
"...to make all men see"(Ephesians 3:9)

We don't change God's message -- His message changes us.

Offline The Crusader

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he's an atheist!
« Reply #33 on: September 01, 2004, 04:19:49 AM »
A young lady came home from a date and her mother could see she had been crying. "What's wrong dear?" asked the mother.

"Oh Mom!" said the girl "My boyfriend asked me to marry him tonight!"

"What's the matter dear, don't you love him?" asked the mother.

"I do love him" said the girl... "But tonight he told me that he's an atheist! He doesn't even believe there is a hell mom!!!"

The mother just smiled and said "You marry him anyway ... between the two of us we'll show him just how wrong he is!"  
:snicker:
"...to make all men see"(Ephesians 3:9)

We don't change God's message -- His message changes us.

Offline The Crusader

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My FAVORITE Jokes
« Reply #34 on: September 04, 2004, 12:59:55 PM »
A little child in church for the first time watched as the ushers passed the offering plates. When they neared the pew where he sat, the youngster piped up so that everyone could hear: "Don't pay for me Daddy, I'm under five."  :snicker:
"...to make all men see"(Ephesians 3:9)

We don't change God's message -- His message changes us.

Offline The Crusader

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My FAVORITE Jokes
« Reply #35 on: September 04, 2004, 01:00:48 PM »
After a church service on Sunday morning, a young boy suddenly announced to his mother, "Mom, I've decided to become a minister when I grow up." "That's okay with us, but what made you decide that?" "Well," said the little boy, "I have to go to church on Sunday anyway, and I figure it will be more fun to stand up and yell, than to sit and listen."  :snicker:
"...to make all men see"(Ephesians 3:9)

We don't change God's message -- His message changes us.

Offline The Crusader

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« Reply #36 on: September 04, 2004, 01:01:30 PM »
For centuries, Hindu women have worn a red spot    on their foreheads. We have naively thought it had something to do with their religion.
The true story has just been revealed by the Indian  Embassy in Washington. When one of these women  gets married, on her wedding night, the husband  scratches off the red spot to see if he has won a convenience store, a gas station, or a motel in  Florida.  :snicker:
"...to make all men see"(Ephesians 3:9)

We don't change God's message -- His message changes us.

Offline The Crusader

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« Reply #37 on: September 04, 2004, 01:02:22 PM »
The new pastor was visiting the homes of his parishioners. At one house it  seemed obvious that someone was at home, but no answer came to his repeated  knocks at the door. He took out a card, wrote "Revelation 3:20" on the back  and stuck it in the door.
When the offering was processed the following Sunday, he found that his  card had been returned. Added to it was this cryptic message, "Genesis  3:10." Reaching for his Bible to check out the citation, he broke up in gales of laughter.
Revelation 3:20 begins "Behold, I stand at the door and knock."
Genesis 3:10 reads, "I heard your voice in the garden and I was afraid for  I was naked."
 :snicker:
"...to make all men see"(Ephesians 3:9)

We don't change God's message -- His message changes us.

Offline The Crusader

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« Reply #38 on: September 04, 2004, 01:03:31 PM »
Great Religious Truths:

  Muslims do not recognize Judaism as a religion.
  Jews do not recognize Jesus as the Messiah.
  Protestants do not recognize the Pope as the leader of  the  Christian faith.
  Baptists do not recognize each other at Hooters.



<:)))><
"...to make all men see"(Ephesians 3:9)

We don't change God's message -- His message changes us.

Offline me again

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My FAVORITE Jokes
« Reply #39 on: September 07, 2004, 06:28:18 PM »
   "I do not know with what weapons World War III will be fought, but World War IV will be fought with sticks and stones." Albert Einstein


"God told me to strike at al Qaeda and I struck them, and then he instructed me to strike at Saddam, which I did, and now I am determined to solve the problem in the Middle East." President George Bush 25 June 2003 Haaretz
[/color]
"So then, stand firm and hold to the traditions :o which you were taught by us, either by word of mouth or by letter" (2 Thessalonians 2:15).

Offline me again

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My FAVORITE Jokes
« Reply #40 on: September 07, 2004, 07:48:54 PM »
   GENERAL EQUATIONS & STATISTICS

A woman worries about the future until she gets a husband.

A man never worries about the future until he gets a wife.

A successful man is one who makes more money than his wife can spend.

A successful woman is one who can find such a man.

Rule 255 » A wife is a luxury... a smart accountant, a necessity.

Rule 256 » Accountants do not play the game; they only keep the score.
[/color]:snicker:
"So then, stand firm and hold to the traditions :o which you were taught by us, either by word of mouth or by letter" (2 Thessalonians 2:15).

Offline The Crusader

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« Reply #41 on: September 08, 2004, 05:48:10 PM »
Quote from: me again
   GENERAL EQUATIONS & STATISTICS

A woman worries about the future until she gets a husband.

A man never worries about the future until he gets a wife.

A successful man is one who makes more money than his wife can spend.

A successful woman is one who can find such a man.

Rule 255 » A wife is a luxury... a smart accountant, a necessity.

Rule 256 » Accountants do not play the game; they only keep the score.
[/color]:snicker:


 :snicker: Good one me again  :snicker:
"...to make all men see"(Ephesians 3:9)

We don't change God's message -- His message changes us.

Offline The Crusader

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« Reply #42 on: September 08, 2004, 05:52:20 PM »
I was walking across a bridge one day, and I saw a man standing on the edge, about to jump off. So I ran over and said, "Stop! Don't do it!" "Why shouldn't I?" he said. I said, "Well, there's so much to live for!" He said, "Like what?" I said, "Well, are you religious or atheist?" He said, "Religious." I said, "Me too! Are your Christian or Buddhist?" He said, "Christian." I said, "Me too! Are you Catholic or Protestant?" He said, "Protestant." I said, Me too! Are your Episcopalian or Baptist? He said, "Baptist!" I said, "Wow! Me too! Are your Baptist Church of God or Baptist Church of the Lord? He said, Baptist Church of God!" I said, "Me too! Are your Original Baptist Church of God or are you Reformed Baptist Church of God?" He said, "Reformed Baptist Church of God!" I said, "Me too! Are you Reformed Baptist Church of God, Reformation of 1879, or Reformed Baptist Church of God, Reformation of 1915?" He said, "Reformed Baptist Church of God, Reformation of 1915!" I said, "Die, heretic scum!" and pushed him off.  :snicker:
"...to make all men see"(Ephesians 3:9)

We don't change God's message -- His message changes us.

Offline The Crusader

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« Reply #43 on: September 08, 2004, 05:53:39 PM »
A local priest and a pastor were fishing on the side of the road. They thoughtfully made a sign saying, "The End is Near! Turn yourself around now before it's too late!" and showed it to each passing car.
      One driver who drove by didn't appreciate the sign and shouted at them, "Leave us alone, you religious nuts!"

     All of a sudden they heard a big splash, looked at each other, and the priest said to the pastor, "You think maybe we should have just said 'Bridge Out' instead?"  :snicker:
"...to make all men see"(Ephesians 3:9)

We don't change God's message -- His message changes us.

Offline The Crusader

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An atheist ...
« Reply #44 on: September 08, 2004, 05:55:35 PM »
An atheist was walking through the woods one day, admiring all that evolution had created.  Suddenly he heard a rustling in the bushes behind him. Turning to look, he saw an 8 foot grizzly bear beginning to charge toward him.
 
    He ran as fast as he could down the path. He looked over his shoulder and saw that the bear was rapidly closing on him  Running faster yet, he looked again and the bear was even closer. His heart was pounding in his chest. He tried to run faster. But alas, he tripped and fell to the ground.
 
    As he rolled over to pick himself up, the bear was right over him, reaching for him with its left paw and raising its right paw to strike him.  The atheist cried..."GOD DAMN!..."  

    Time stopped.  The bear froze.  The forest was silent.  Even the river stopped moving.  As a brilliant light shone upon the man, a thunderous voice came from the sky.

    "YOU DENY MY EXISTENCE FOR ALL THESE YEARS, TEACH OTHERS THAT I DON'T EXIST AND EVEN CREDIT CREATION TO SOME COSMIC ACCIDENT.  NOW, YOU EXPECT ME TO HELP YOU AND DAMN THIS BEAR?    AM I TO COUNT YOU AS A CHRISTIAN?"

    The atheist looked directly into the light and said, "Why don't you try and make the bear a Christian?"
   "VERY WELL," said the voice.  The light went out.  The river ran.  The sounds of the forest resumed.  ... and the bear dropped down to his knees, brought both paws together, bowed his head and spoke: "Lord, thank you for this food which I am about to receive."  :snicker:
"...to make all men see"(Ephesians 3:9)

We don't change God's message -- His message changes us.

 

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me again

October 09, 2014, 02:15:06 PM
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Religious Lie: "God only paid for sins until the next time you sin."
Forgiveness is available until we get to eternity and then our eternal fate is sealed. Right now, people are free to sin and repent; but there is no forgiveness of sin for the damned in hell.
 

Stan

October 05, 2014, 10:24:53 AM
"If it is hard for the righteous to be saved, what will become of the ungodly and the sinner?"
 

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Lots of visitors..  easy to join,  easy to post...  come make some friends..  Play nice with others.
 

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February 26, 2014, 04:30:18 PM
Religious Lie: "God only paid for sins until the next time you sin."
 

The Crusader

December 23, 2013, 09:38:53 AM
JUST A THINK ABOUT IT: Will you embrace the full meaning of Christmas? Jesus didn't die just so you could go to heaven. He came to give you life - His life; an abundant life free from guilt, condemnation, and slavery to both sins and religion. He came to bring a grace revolution to the world and tha

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